My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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