his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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