Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
