This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
