dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
