also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
ttyl tear gas
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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