So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
too bad you live with your parents still
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
