non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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