Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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