Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize