That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
