You just made me feel so damn special
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
