I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
