those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
