someone threw a dead crab at me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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