we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
