I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
