Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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