Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
