Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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