Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
