My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
