4 words: hood of his car
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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