I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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