Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
