Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize