I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize