My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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