my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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