Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
