I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i would punch a child for taco bell
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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