hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
