i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
