You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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