you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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