im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize