my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
