I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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