his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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