we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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