What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
