I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
