a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The best revenge is premature balding
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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