does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize