Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
