maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
