corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize