i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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