i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
