But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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