If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
