Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
