Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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