just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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