i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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