I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
