Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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