I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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