youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
