Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What a dumb baby whore.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I love you. Go after that dick
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
