I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Randomize
