I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
