It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
